Whether you want to consider me a “mom” or not, I feel I was one at the time of conception.  Which seems like forever ago that I looked at that positive test and cried tears of joy.  And now, a month after my surgery to the day, waiting for life to get back to “normal”, things just don’t add up all the time.  Sometimes you just have to let the tears come and you have to embrace it and let them flow down your cheeks and experience it for what it is without trying to hide it away.  Today is also the day that my grammy, one of my best friends in the whole world, passed away four super short years ago.  My sweet blue-eyed grandma who was a light in this world, the brightest light in my own life who led by example, who was stern but kind of heart and almost always wore a smile.  I remember when I was 13 and it was one of her first stays in the hospital and I was with her and going to spend the night with my aunt Theo who currently still lived with my grammy.  I remember my grammy lying in that hospital bed and tears began to roll down her sweet, wrinkled cheeks and she looked at me with those eyes and a sad smile and said that she was scared.  It breaks my heart to think of this memory as I only remember a few people in my life crying openly with me and being completely vulnerable.  I really truly believe that in our world we need more vulnerability.  I know that sounds crazy backwards probably but think about it…in this “every man for himself” super selfish society I feel like we’re all trained to suck it up and deal with it and present the image that everyone “wants” to see and the image that is easiest for everyone to deal with.  And I think it’s crap.  I believe that God wanted us to support each other, to lift one another up during times of trial to encourage and spur one another on to the greater good of His plan for our lives.  To me, that doesn’t mean simply saying, “oh it’s ok, God has a better plan for you so cheer up and focus on that”…sure those are wonderful words and thoughts, however when you’re in the pit, you can’t quite get there that easily.  That means as a society we really just need to learn how to be quiet.  We need to remember what it means to just be with someone in stillness and quiet and to let the Holy Spirit do the work sometimes.  Now this applies for specific situations of course and at different times when you’re in the pit but it really just comes back to the basics I think.  Yes, you have questions and yes, you want to be able to talk through what’s going on with the person going through it, or sometimes you just don’t know what to say so you talk aimlessly and you say things that unintentionally come out wrong and end up hurting the person, but let me tell you, that person will open up to you and they want to.  Don’t try to make small talk just so they don’t have to think about what they are going through, yes, there is a time for that too, but please just always be open to your friend’s story.  They do have a story and they do want to talk about it, sooner or later and on their terms and if you aren’t quiet and still for just the right amount of time, you’ll miss being the blessing that they need where they finally feel comfortable and free to discuss it openly.  I don’t think this makes any sense at all, it’s just me rambling now because this is such an emotionally charged day for me, so just read the poems below that I’ve found recently going through my latest trial.  Praise God for the wonderful support I have in my life…this is not an easy road by any means, and I fear that when I want to open up the most in the most vulnerable way that by that time everyone will have forgotten and expect me to be “over” it so please, be there for me and I promise you, I will be there for you in my own time, when it’s you who needs it the most.  I pray that I can learn and take my own advice and allow God to use this in my life for good, which I know and believe that He will do.  All the glory to His great name…

My mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She’ll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my mom how she is
And because she can’t explain,
She will tell a little lie because she can’t describe the pain

Ask my Mom how she is,
She’ll say “I’m alright”
If that’s the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how she is
She seems to cope so well
She didn’t have a choice, you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
“I’m fine, I’m well, I’m coping.”
For God’s sake Mom just tell the truth
Just say your heart is broken
She’ll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She’ll lie and say she’s fine.

I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here
If she lies to you don’t listen
Hug her and hold her near

On the day we meet again
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold.
I’ll say,
“You’re lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!”

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby’s not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.

I just don’t understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here…

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!”
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
“Mommy, Please don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I am here”

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they’ll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart,
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

Author Unknown