I haven’t had a good day.  It’s been one of those.  It has been triple confirmed now that I have PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome.  You can google it for the specifics and details if you’d like.  I know quite a bit about it.  I also know in addition to infertility (which, by the way, is classified and recognized by the world health organization as a disease that affects approximately 1 in 8 couples), PCOS will never leave me.  It isn’t something that once I have children will go away and leave me alone.  It is one of the most common female endocrine disorders leaving me at a heightened risk for miscarriage, breast cancer, endometrial hyperplasia and cancer, insulin resistance, depression, cardiovascular disease, among others.  I’m not going to spend my time dwelling on what may come from this, but it’s a reality that I have to face.  I’ve always taken good care of myself, but that’s what makes it more frustrating.  It isn’t something of my control no matter how good I’ve treated myself or how well I can treat myself going forward.  It’s frustrating and angering when I do all that I can and my body does what it wants.  I have a lot of prayers right now, including healing, successful pregnancy, and for my faith to be continually strengthened individually and with my husband.  I want to not feel: alone, shame, sadness, anxiety, and like a failure as a woman to provide children easily and quickly like all my friends.  I will feel these things but my prayer is for peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:6-7) and hope to be lifted up on eagle’s wings (Isaiah 40:31) and to remain a noble wife to my husband throughout this trial, to maintain a worth that is of more value than rubies (Proverbs 31).  Lord, I do believe in the great plans you have for me and Doug, for the better parents you are creating of us; please help me overcome my disbelief! (Mark 9:24).

With this said, I wrote the poem below…for what it’s worth it was how I was feeling and it just started to come to me last night and after today I had to get it written down…it needs some tweaking and normally I’m not a “rhymer” poem kind of gal, but this is what came out.  To anyone reading this, thank you for your thoughts, support, and prayers.  This is an extremely difficult time…I do have good, great, and joyful days too and I’ll try to blog about some of those on here too…for now, and as always, I am continually seeking after God’s own heart in this…for if there is anything I know to be faithful and true, it is my heavenly Father’s hand at work in every second of every situation, some see him through an easier road that’s sure and true, but I know He hasn’t forgotten me, and I know I’m so undeserving.  Lord, You are glorious and divine…I could never measure up, never be worth sending your Son to die…to become sin, to bear the cross, to receive the punishment of a crown of thorns, beatings with cat ‘o nine tails, and nine inch nails through Your blameless hands and feet, a shameful and heinous death only fit for the criminals…it should be me.  Forgive me, Father for doubting You and Your plan for my life.  When I think of the death of my Savior, I’m reminded of how blessed we are, and how my trials are next to nothing.  My God is so great and His love so pure, it’s utterly overwhelming.  Thank You, Jesus, for dying for a wretched sinner, me.

Don’t you see?

When you kiss your baby to sleep tonight
give an extra kiss for me;
my baby isn’t with me now,
she’s gone to heaven, don’t you see?

When you hold your baby in your arms
hold her a little closer now for me.
Tonight my arms are empty,
for my baby’s in heaven now, you see.

When you smooth your baby’s hair
and feel the softness of his down,
I’ll never touch my baby’s hair,
I cannot help but frown.

When you hear your baby’s laughter,
take time to memorize the sound.
I’ll never hear my baby’s voice,
I miss him, all around.

When your baby’s eyes turn color,
just marvel at their beauty.
I’ll never know who my baby would favor
I only imagine his eyes would sparkle.

When you sing your baby to sleep tonight
sing only the sweetest tune,
my baby went to heaven,
she went there far too soon.

When you catch your baby’s teardrop
and brush it off his face,
my baby will be catching mine
she’s in another place.

When you smell your baby’s soft, smooth skin,
take an extra breath for me,
my baby’s gone to heaven…
without me, don’t you see?

When you kiss your baby softly tonight,
give an extra kiss for me;
I’ll be softly crying myself to sleep,
I miss my baby dearly, don’t you see?

When I wake up in the morning,
it won’t be to my baby’s cry,
it will be to the beeps on my thermometer
as I try to figure out why.

When you see your baby’s birthday coming,
as the days are quickly flying by;
All I see are cycle days and test days,
more blood work and hormones gone awry.

As you watch your baby learn and grow,
take it all in a little deeper,
enjoy the moments as they come;
I’ll still be struggling with infertility
and asking God, oh why?

I don’t know why my baby left
or why it’s so hard to try
but in the midst of all these questions
I know my God knows why.

My God knows why,
He knows it all,
even when I’m trying my hardest to make it.
In my darkest hours still I smile,
it’s all I can do to fake it.

When you kiss your baby’s head tonight
and lay him down to sleep,
remember all the things I’ve said
and know there’s still hope for me to keep.

I trust my God with His great plans,
soon parents we will be.
Our faith is being tested,
and we are surely being refined,
it’s not always easy to wait upon the Lord,
but it’s all in His sovereignty, yes, now I see.