Let me be real for a few moments, after all that’s why I have this thing right? To bear all? To say what I need to say? To vent. To provide therapy to myself for the low, low price of some time and typing. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, well I’ve never stopped really since it happened and I’ve broken quite a few times this year…I’ll just get to the point and fill in the details as I go or later when I’m actually at my computer and not typing from my phone. Today is our holiday party at work. I woke this morning at 5am broken. I didn’t realize I would feel quite this way. This entire year has been a rough year. Changing me completely in a lot of ways. It’s been a year of misplaced hope, shattered dreams, and “what ifs”, “whys”, “should have beens”, etc. Not to discount the amazing things that have happened this year but this year has been a year of absolute survival. Living within a shell of myself, feeling more into the depths of my heart than I ever have before, which has required me to suck it up on the outside for the most part and force this body to get up out of bed everyday and put on a smile. Only one person has seen the majority of my desperation. And he hasn’t seen it all because I’ve tried to hide at times to protect him maybe, I guess that’s what I thought I was doing. Keeping him from knowing just how often my heart aches completely and sends me over the edge with tears.

Let me stop for a moment to say if you don’t understand the things I write here, if you think it’s “too much”, if you think I’m exaggerating, if you think “it isn’t a big deal, it’ll pass just keep being positive”, or anything that would diminish what I’m going through, keep your thoughts to yourself and literally praise God that you don’t have a clue. I’m not being mean, I’m being truthful. If you can’t relate, praise God, this isn’t being written for you. But there’s a whole lot of couples out there who sadly know every bit of this is real and extremely difficult to go through.

It’s the end of yet another failed medicated cycle. One that I had SUCH high hopes for. I used every method I could think of to be hopeful: prayer of course, visualization, meditation and yoga, positive affirmations, redirecting my thoughts, even a silly temporary tattoo from one of the companies I order supplies from, seriously I was THAT hopeful for this cycle; along with the practical things: 2 types of medicine along with the 4 other supplements I take, continued basal body temping, timing, diet and exercise, ultrasounds and blood work on specific cycle days. I know it seems like a LOT and it was…but I was hopeful for a happy Christmas present. I told myself all the craziness would be worth it this cycle. There was no way that this wasn’t our time.

It has now officially been a full year since we were pregnant. And we still aren’t pregnant again. And we don’t have the baby I was pregnant with last year. If you think any of the things I post are “too much” or we’re “trying too hard and need to relax”, good luck with that when you desperately want what your heart aches for. When you do everything possible to be healthy, positive, and accurate and end up with nothing. Again. When you can’t “just relax and take your mind off of it” because then it’s time for the next pill or meal or thermometer reading. When you’ve become acutely aware of the toxins in everything you’re using so you switch shampoos, soaps, moisturizers, food in hopes that something you do will be the magical thing that makes your body work properly. And your friends get pregnant without trying…again. (this does NOT mean I am unhappy, hateful, or ungrateful for them by the way, do NOT be mistaken on this one- I’ll do another whole blog on this alone.) When quite literally everyone has kids and they are moms and want to talk exclusively about their kids and “mom things” and just as they cannot relate to me, I desperately ache to relate to them but I can’t. I actually know as much, if not more than what they’re talking about because I dream about it and research all the time, but I can’t admit this because it’s too sad and sadly I wouldn’t be given the time of day about it because “I’m not really a mom so I couldn’t understand what it’s like” which just hurts too much because for all the theory I know, it’s the truth. I watch my husband with the neighborhood kids, or see our friends, dads, holding their babies and I desperately want to give that to him. And yet my body fails me month after month. I feel guilty because it is my body that isn’t working correctly despite all that we do. And my husband doesn’t blame me. He says it’s our battle. He holds me as I cry at any and all hours day or night. He leads me back to God’s faithful promises over and over again. He holds my hand. He is here for me. I couldn’t have asked God for a more amazing person to completely fill me up when I’m run dry and empty and am cracking underneath it all. I pray, I cry, I do everything I can think of to no avail. I would love to forget about it and move on to other things but that’s not going to happen…this isn’t like settling for a job that isn’t your dream job, or temporarily settling for an apartment rather than a house…it’s life and I know we are “early” in this infertility battle but I can’t imagine as the months and cycles and hopefully not years continue to pass that what I’m feeling will be anything different. At least I know and trust that God knows the desires of my heart. Even when it doesn’t make sense right now that I can’t have it.

There’s a song out right now by Josh Wilson called “Fall Apart” and it is my life right now. “I don’t know how long this will last, I’m praying for the pain to pass. But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My whole world is caving in but I feel you now more than I did then. How can I come to the end of my but somehow still have all I need? God I want to know you more, maybe this is how it starts. I find you when I fall apart.”. The entire song is amazing.

So can desperation be worship? Pain, struggle, doubt, and fear? Yes. I think it can be. When it sincerely reminds you of how little and insignificant you are. And how big and great and sovereign is our God. When desperation leads us not to coping methods that would leave us in a worse situation than we started in. When desperation leads us to continually look to God for His guidance and wisdom. Because this certainly doesn’t make any sense to me. Proverbs 3:5-6 says we should “trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will show you which paths to take.” this means even when you’re desperate. Even when it doesn’t make any sense at all. Even when you’ve done everything “right” that you can do. I know my God is faithful and true. Even when I cannot feel it or see it through to the end. It doesn’t necessarily make the day to day of this disease and battle ANY easier, sadly. But I guess somewhere in me I believe that this isn’t it for us. Even though I stare angrily at my stomach and truly wonder if I will ever experience what it is to bring our dream to life I praise God anyway. Not as a bargaining chip, but because I have to continue to faithfully follow Him wherever He leads me. I have to learn not to compare other’s paths to my own. I’m not on a blind quest for perfection believing only then will we achieve our desires. But I know God wouldn’t take us through this for nothing. His intent is always for good, it is always perfect and faithful and true. Even when we can’t see it or feel it. Even when we drop our hands and hang our heads in defeat. Even when we are truly, completely, absolutely desperate.