Happy New Year!

I realized today when I was thinking about posting that this blog has become very much an infertility heavy blog.  And for that I don’t apologize, but what I do want to say about that is I recognize that’s what this has become, primarily an outlet for all of the emotions and ramblings I have that go on in my head regarding our battle with this disease and in our quest to become parents.  With the new year I will be doing my very first ever blog series starting tomorrow.  I am committing to posting one series-related post a week.  A series that looks at infertility throughout the Bible.  I’ve said it before but I want to stay true to my word.  This blog was created to bring honor and glory to God first and foremost and even with being infertility-heavy, I believe God is working through me in this and I should share it to bring support to not only myself and my husband, but to others who are going through this as well.  I can’t imagine going through this battle without faith.  Faith in my Lord and Savior.  Faith in His unwavering, indisputable sovereignty.  Revelation 22:13 “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.”

I refer to our infertility as a battle because that’s what I feel like it is.  Every. Day.  I had been referring to it as our “struggle” but then I realized “struggle” feels negative to me.  “Struggle” makes me imagine myself being held down and fighting to push against something.  Calling it a “battle” gives me hope.  Because in a battle, even though I don’t know the outcome, I do have hope.  And that continues to describe my ups and downs.  Somehow, somewhere in me, I still have a shred of hope.  It’s incredible really.  Even when we were miscarrying and losing our baby there was a really far away place in me screaming not to give up.  It’s a tricky thing, that hope.  It lifts you up, only to bring you down sometimes…but it still lingers.  It’s still there, like a baseline underneath the surface.  It makes no sense.  Anyway, I digress.  We are dealing with a battle and within this battle yes, at times I struggle.  Really, really struggle…but there are other days where I say yes to things I probably shouldn’t say yes to.  Things I know will probably be painful in the midst of what we’re going through.  Socializing with others who are pregnant or have kids…which face it, is my entire peer group (and I’m not saying that negatively, just stating a fact).  Opening up.  Being vulnerable.  Things that I know will make me close down later and have to deal somehow.  Things that will cause me to shut my husband out for a couple of minutes or an hour or so while I deal with things on my own.  He supports me fully.  Loves me.  Encourages me.  Points me back to the Word and God’s faithful promises.

And we sing “how awesome is the Lord Most High”.  And I cry.  And I wonder when I’ll be able to go to a church service and worship fully without crying.  I know worship isn’t all in the song but the songs to our God are a part of worship and it’s the part that is the most difficult to get through.  It’s interesting too because as I’ve told you before, the songs speak to me.  So along with the new series I’ll be walking through I’ll also be posting at least a song a week that is speaking to me and working through me.  During the songs I hear them relating to me.  And I think thoughts of how it is unfair that we don’t get what so many others have.  To go off birth control and conceive without a thought.  To not have to worry or even think about or contemplate what it might be like to have to “try”…don’t get me wrong, this month has been good.  This cycle has been decent.  Still lots of ups and downs, acne from the medication, moments of depression, and moments of fun and happiness.  It has been a relaxed cycle month by my own choosing and I am grateful for the peace to have done it this way over the holidays.  But when it’s all said and done I still don’t have my baby, it’s been over a year without conception, and friends are still posting their exciting baby news on facebook.  And yes, I’m happy for them…seriously.  Life is an incredible miracle, a gift, and a perfect blessing from God.  James 1:17 “every good and perfect gift is from our Lord above”…I only pray and pray for the health of my friends and their pregnancies and their babies…but I have to say that mostly I pray for them to realize James 1:17 and in every moment of their pregnancy, birth, and life of their child that it is a miracle.  A sheer and true miracle in every moment.  I know that one day if I get to experience all of that, I will probably take it for granted too…however I have to believe I’ll remember our battle, the days of struggle, and in the forefront of my mind I will believe and know that every second is a gift.  I pray that for my friends.  The ones who still have their sweet innocence of conception and life; and the ones who are where I am or who have been here.  I pray that I never forget, and I know I won’t…but I still pray it anyway that just like Sarah and Abraham I will trust in the Lord and be as faithful to Him as He has been and will be to me.  For some reason I’m having to learn to trust God in this way when my friends aren’t.  And that’s okay.  I’m learning how to allow it to be well with my soul, even when it feels like it is anything but well with me.  My hope for this new year is that I would continue to be faithful in my following of our Savior.  I hope that 2012 brings only the greatest glory to God through every aspect of my life this year.  Including our finances, my workplace, my private life, our home life, our marriage, our recreation, our interactions with friends and family, and yes, our battle with infertility.  I hope to be closer to knowing or understanding our outcome of this battle this time next year.  I pray for fertility.  I pray for strength.  I pray to glorify God in every way…and for me to truly focus on the Glorious One.

So this post will contain the lyrics to two songs.  One we sang in church today and one that is just being repeated in my mind today…it keeps coming to me over and over.

The first is the one we sang in church today, proclaiming the awesomeness of our Lord.  The lyrics that got to me the most were:

“Where You send us/God, we will go/You’re the answer/We want the world to know

We will trust You/When You call our name/Where You lead us/We’ll follow all the way

We will praise You together/For now and forever/How awesome is the Lord most high”

The word “follow” stuck out to me since it’s the name of my blog.  I have to remember Who I am following and Whose I am at all times.  Since I have been allowed into this battle with infertility I will go there.  I will trust Him wherever He leads us and I will praise Him in it, because it isn’t about me.  It is about Him.  The Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.  I pray for continued peace and possibly some wisdom with what we go through, but even if I don’t get it, I will still follow Him and trust that He will be glorified.

and the entire song:

“Great are You, Lord
Mighty in strength
You are faithful
You will ever be

We will praise You
All of our days
It’s for Your glory
We offer everything

Raise your hands, all you nations
Shout to God all creation
How awesome is the Lord most high

Where You send us
God, we will go
You’re the answer
We want the world to know

We will trust You
When You call our name
Where You lead us
We’ll follow all the way

We will praise You together
For now and forever
How awesome is the Lord most high

How awesome is the Lord most high”
-Chris Tomlin “Awesome is the Lord Most High”

The next song is the one that has been coming to my mind all day.  It is a wonderful song and it is reminding me of how I long to be consumed by God.  It is such a song of strength and triumph.  We will be triumphant in Him!  And that brings me great hope.  He is my fortress, my sacred refuge, unshakable, and with Him in eternity ever will we reign!  If that isn’t powerful stuff, I don’t know what is.

“Our God is, a consuming fire,
A burning holy Flame, with glory and freedom
Our God is, the only righteous judge,
Ruling over us with kindness and wisdom

We will keep our eyes on You
We will keep our eyes on You

A mighty fortress is our God
A sacred refuge is Your Name
Your Kingdom is unshakable
With You forever we will reign

Our God is, jealous for His own
None could comprehend, His love and His mercy
Our God is exalted on His throne
High above the heavens
Forever He’s worthy…

We will keep our eyes on You
We will keep our eyes on You

We will keep our eyes on You
We will keep our eyes on You
So we can set our hearts on You
Lord we will set our hearts on You!”
Written by Nathan and Christy Nockels
© 2009 worshiptogether.com Songs / sixsteps Music (admin. by EMI CMG Publishing) (ASCAP)

Alright, it’s bed time on this first day of 2012.  Let’s see what this year brings for us.  I have hope and peace for the moment.  I pray that I could keep my eyes on Him so I can set my heart on His plan.  I pray we all can do that for the new year.  No matter if we are on a mountaintop or trudging through the valley or taking it easy on a flat plane.  That we wouldn’t grow complacent in our love for Him and our thirst for His Word.  I pray that 2012 would take me to spiritual highs that I have never experienced and that I would be close to Him, seek Him, and just be a little quieter.  That I would believe and know that He is God of it all, even the stuff I have trouble letting go of at times.  Happy new year!