I have written this post so MANY times over the past year and a half.  To address our pregnancy, the trepidation I felt in those early days as well as the sheer joy of it all.  I hesitated for so long because I didn’t want to hurt or offend so many of my friends who were still battling with infertility.  However, I realize that was only so much time lost and selfishness on my part that I did the same thing that I got hurt from so many other people doing to me and that was I didn’t put it out there anyway and trust that you could handle it.  Part of it was because I didn’t need the infertility outlet anymore in quite the same way so I guess I felt I didn’t belong even on my own blog.  But I have thought about blogging just about every day and that’s no lie!  I wish I had done a better job blogging through my pregnancy and Ryne’s early days and that is my fault…although I did make several posts that I never published which you may see updated here as back-posted in the coming days.

I’ve missed blogging.  A part of me is gone when I don’t have this outlet, whether anyone reads it or not.  For me, it also serves as an act of worship to glorify God and to have communion with Him in one way…I feel like I’m pouring out my thoughts, struggles, joys, and prayers to Him here too…as silly as that might seem.  I’m not going to waste too much time catching you up on the past…that will come in some other posts…For now I want to pick up right where we left off, just like old friends and tell you what is going on in my life!

For starters, Doug and I are getting married tomorrow!  Wait, what?  Yes, it’s true…we are getting married again tomorrow.  We are choosing each other again in a special group vow renewal  ceremony at our church.  Becoming a mom has changed me in ways I could never even imagine before it happened.  I love Doug so much as my husband and he is also a phenomenal father, as if he wasn’t already great at everything before, let’s just add this to his list of specialties.  Seriously, I do have to spend some time praising him because he makes my life so much better.  Even when I am not worth it at all…and that’s been a lot lately.  Are we perfect?  Absolutely not.  Are we in love?  Absolutely.  Does that love look the same as it did 5 or 8 years ago when we started out together?  Not at all.  Nor would I expect it to.  It is richer now.  More robust.  It has been seasoned just slightly with the experiences we’ve been through together in the past few years.  I cannot wait or imagine what it will look like in 5-10 more years, much less 20-30 years.  I won’t lie, it does scare me a bit because I know we’ve got more to weather together but I have confidence in our relationship through anything because going into this renewal tomorrow, 5 months to the day before our 5 year wedding anniversary, we are further in our faith, still with lots of work to do, but I think we have a clearer picture of what the marriage relationship is supposed to look like than when we got married.  Have we defined ourselves in those roles yet?  Hardly.  It’s actually pretty pathetic how much farther we have to go to even begin to measure up to the roles laid out by God for the marriage relationship but I am grateful for new beginnings to continue to try.

I am excited for the future in that we are renewing our vows and becoming stronger in a time where it would be VERY easy to let our marriage slip through the cracks of new parenthood.  Excuses of sleep deprivation, nursing, washing bottles, work, cooking, family events, sleep deprivation, entertaining the baby, tutoring, doula work, meetings, etc could easily widen the gap between us but after noticing some of these things beginning to take their toll I have decided I will consciously fight for our marriage every single day.  Because some days it is a fight more so than others.  Some days the demands of life do become too much and they get in the way.  I am choosing to focus on what I am grateful for even when I don’t feel grateful.  I know I should be.  The reality is we are richly blessed in ways that we can’t even begin to understand.  Like running water.  Like how much we waste and take for granted each day.  Like our access to the Bible.  And how little we choose to access it for ourselves.  We have so much technology like being able to connect and blog but what does it do for us?  Sometimes instead of connecting us like it was supposedly designed to do, I feel it pulls us farther apart.

Anyway, I won’t go on and on.  I know this has been rambly like I usually am, but I’m glad to be back and I hope to be a much more frequent poster and not just cut out on you like before.  I hope you’ll forgive me and join me for the journey.  I am so happy to say that I am marrying my love tomorrow…again!

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