I know there’s an end in sight.  There has to be.  Because if not I am just spinning my wheels.  Will it be when our debt is paid off?  I can’t wait quite that long.  Am I being selfish?  Yes, a little bit.  Do I have any clue what I would do or how the bills would get paid if I were to make the decision I want to make right now?  No.  Do I have some creative ideas?  Absolutely.  But is now the time?  Probably not.  So when, God?  How?  Why not now?

I find myself coming to God for answers and security and praises but do I ever just come to Him?  Do I ever just go sit at His feet and rest a while?  Honestly, no.  I am not happy to admit that but if I am being honest with you and myself the answer is no, I do not.  I don’t intentionally choose to take time out of my “oh so busy” days to just “be still” and know that He is all I need.  Instead I think I can handle it all, I manage ok sometimes but really I’m just a hot mess.  I try so hard.  I reach in every different direction, trying to be the best at everything when I don’t really want to be the best, I just want to be good at something.  The particular something of my life right now is being a mom.  I want to be an awesome mom.  Not from the outside but on the inside.  I don’t want to care if anyone else thinks I’m being a good mom, I want my sweet boy to know and not doubt that I am a great mom.

I want to be present for him and with him.  And not only for him, but for my husband too.  I want to do everything and I know I can’t do everything all at once.  I cannot reasonably be expected to work out of the home 45+ hours/week and still have my household look like I spend all day there being the maid.  I’m sad because I want to give my son a life full of experiences I didn’t have, but I’m learning that those experiences are ones I don’t want to be filled with debt and struggle and discomfort for him.  Does that mean I have to work outside the home 45+ hours a week?  No, it does not.  It means being smart and frugal and creative and I long to do and be those things.  Right now it is just trying to be patient and wait on God’s timing and not my own…which, by the way would have been 10 months ago.  But those are my plans.  I need to focus on my time with God first and foremost so I can be the mom I so long to be and the wife I long to be.  I am a better mom, wife, and person overall when I surrender myself to God daily, so why is it so difficult for me to do?  I allow other “things” to fill my mind and my plate instead of just being still and giving it to God.  I want to know Him and I want Him to know me.  Fully and completely.  And I want to model that for my son and for my husband.  I want to be the woman God made me to be for Him and for them.  I am praying that I can accomplish that alone and live my days for an audience of One, and not be consumed by the world.  Easier said than done.

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