“There were photographs I wanted to take.
Things I wanted to show you.
Sing sweet lullabies,
Wipe your teary eyes,
Who could love you like this?

People say I’m brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on.
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me,
Because He loves you like this.

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years

I will carry you,
All my life.
I will praise the One who’s chosen me to carry you.

Such a short time,
Such a long road.
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice

And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs  of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life

I will praise the One who’s chosen me to carry you”

-I Will Carry You by Selah

Sometimes it all comes rushing back to me.  Like the tide in the sea.  A friend experiences a loss and I’m reminded all too well of the hurt and pain and still, even having gone through it, that there are absolutely no words one can say to make it better.  To make the pain hurt any less.  To make the situation make any more sense.  While I now have my son after my journey I am also reminded that I get everything that comes with being a parent, and that means sometimes taking for granted the precious moments I have with him each day…I always want more of those moments but sometimes when I’m in those moments I am distracted.  But then it’s on days like today where I am reminded to my core of the loss, pain, anger, confusion, frustration, feelings of lifelessness, dread, doubt, etc of what I truly have after what I’ve been through.

Maybe with it being World Breastfeeding Week 2013 and tomorrow is the Big Latch On event that I’m participating in with my family that has shaken me a bit.  I remembered two years ago after our miscarriage hearing of the event and how I longed to participate someday but never knew if that day would come for me.  I wanted to be a mom and do mom things so badly.  I wanted to create and sustain a life that was not my own, but yet in a way entirely mine.  As I remember these feelings after our miscarriage and in our battle with infertility I am also reminded of the greatness of our God and His promises.  I am grateful for His Will because without it I would not be the wife, mom, woman, friend, sister, daughter, that I am today.  Our journey made us who we are today and it has made me a more aware parent because I had so much time before Ryne came along to really think about the decisions we had to make and the precious life we have been entrusted to care for.  And all along He is carrying us, all the days of our lives.  And I am so grateful for that and for knowing that even when we stumble, turn our backs, can’t see the way, or just simply come running to Him for Him to hold us in His arms that He is there.  Holding us in His right hand.   I am grateful for the greater story that by grace we get to be a part of every single day and knowing that every moment does amount to something.  The heartache and pain does have a purpose and even though we live in a fallen world, we are not left without a Mighty God who knows our pain and who cares deeply for us.

If you have struggled or are struggling through anything right now.  Please know that He is with us in and through the storms.  Don’t let go of the miniscule amount of hope you may have left.  He is there and He does have a story for your life that will not only be for your good but for His glory.  And when you are where I am on the other side of that particular storm, you will be able to get a glimpse at the reasoning for why you had to weather that storm and give Him praise for being there with you through it all and for all that He has blessed you with in the present.  I am so grateful beyond words to be where we are now and to be able to use my own storm to encourage others as they also go through theirs.

Romans 8:28, Colossians 1:1