“Let all the other names fade away
Let all the other names fade away
Until there’s only You
Let all the other names fade away
Jesus take Your place
Jesus take Your place”
-Wide as the sky, Matt Redman

I’ve been thinking a lot about Annabelle this past week for some reason. Annabelle is my daughter. You’ll think I’m crazy, but I haven’t met her yet. I haven’t birthed her yet. She is still a dream in my mind. You know that saying “you were just a twinkle in your parents’ eyes”? Well I guess she’s that twinkle right now. Which is actually pretty cool to think about once you get past the “she’s crazy” part. It’s neat to me that I’m already thinking about my daughter I hope to have someday. Obviously I don’t know if I will ever birth a baby girl, but we are in this stage right now of really enjoying Ryne being 17 months old and learning new things each day and honestly wearing out his title as my baby boy, because really, he’s becoming a big boy. Getting into everything, challenging us every day, saying new words, imitating animal sounds, and communicating with us. We’ve been thinking about getting pregnant again over the past few months and of course our “plan” was not to prevent pregnancy at any point but because I breastfed Ryne for so long (and am still going!) my body took care of preventing pregnancy for us. Which, really, I am okay with. Lots of women have back to back pregnancies and that’s okay, but for me, I am at peace with knowing biologically, my body was not ready to sustain another pregnancy and honestly, I’ve enjoyed these months with just the three of us instead of looking too far ahead into being a family of four or more.

I so often try my HARDEST to remember what it was like before Ryne came along. Just to be a family of 2 and be able to take off on a whim, keep the house clean, etc. and it is SO challenging for me to even remember what that felt like. So now, I’m feeling more at balance within myself and our home and our family and I am taking the time to enjoy it in THIS moment, rather than being discontent and wanting more right this second. I have been getting into a routine of getting the dishes done at night, laundry done each day, and generally straightening the house and tackling projects a few at a time all while still being able to enjoy Doug and Ryne. I feel like we’re kind of getting this family of three thing figured out and while I will welcome our sweet Annabelle whenever God blesses us with her, I will be content in Him and in our family.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have moments of wonder or doubts about my fertility. Sadness and frustration that for me/us it is more of a struggle to conceive and regulate my hormones and blood sugar. Secondary infertility, as I’m choosing to call it because I have the same emotions as I did the first time around, is honestly just about as challenging as the first time we experienced it. It is different, for all the reasons anyone would guess…because we were already blessed with a son, praise God! We know Doug and I CAN conceive and that my body can maintain a healthy pregnancy. But it is difficult for the same reasons the first time around because we want to give our son a sibling. We want to expand our family. Even people who know what we went through to conceive Ryne, ask us when we’re getting pregnant with the next one, or make comments that we’ll be next. I hear of other people’s pregnancy announcements for their second or third pregnancies before we’ve gotten ours. And there’s a dull ache that creeps back up. Reminding me of our struggle. And darn it. Don’t I want to punch that reminder in the face?! I will cherish this precious time with Ryne as my only son and enjoy the time Doug and I are getting to reconnect now that Ryne is a bit older. My heart aches for an easy time conceiving, but I know God has a plan and He has a sense of humor. I pray that we will conceive naturally this time around. And of course that it would be sooner rather than later. But I trust God’s plan for us. And I am so grateful for His provisions for our family thus far and I know His timing is perfect. God is working in me to teach me to know Him and to believe Him (Isaiah 43:10) in my life. He wants to show me His power and to have me trust Him fully. He is my all in all. And for now, I will “let all the other names fade away” and focus only on Him and allow Him to take His place in my life, rather than allowing infertility to creep back up, along with the names of my future children whom I haven’t met yet, Jesus is my comfort, my peace, my everything. And through Him I will be sustained in all things(Psalm 54:4).

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