Category: Infertility

This is from an email I sent this morning to the girls in my small group and I feel like every time I write them a lengthy email it may as well be a blog.  So why not?

Okay, so I’ve been meaning to write you guys anyway and been meaning to update my blog…and been meaning to, meaning to, meaning to…my life has been a lot of that lately with the time just flying on by.  I just wanted to take a minute though to share with you not so much of what I am currently stressing over but to focus on a praise and recognition of such a direct answer to prayer that was just revealed to me in a neat way.  Well, as you all know, I have a blog that I’m terrible at updating but I do from time to time.  Well I wrote a blog this year on February 10, 2014 and here’s an excerpt of what part of it said:

“My heart aches for an easy time conceiving, but I know God has a plan and He has a sense of humor. I pray that we will conceive naturally this time around. And of course that it would be sooner rather than later. But I trust God’s plan for us. And I am so grateful for His provisions for our family thus far and I know His timing is perfect. God is working in me to teach me to know Him and to believe Him (Isaiah 43:10) in my life. He wants to show me His power and to have me trust Him fully. He is my all in all. And for now, I will “let all the other names fade away” and focus only on Him and allow Him to take His place in my life, rather than allowing infertility to creep back up, along with the names of my future children whom I haven’t met yet, Jesus is my comfort, my peace, my everything. And through Him I will be sustained in all things(Psalm 54:4).”

That was February 10, 2014 and we found out we were pregnant on March 16, 2014 after an easy time conceiving, even with my testing for ovulation and having a longer cycle length still.  God so directly answered my prayer to get to conceive “like everyone else” without much trouble or to-do about it.  He answered our prayer about conceiving naturally this time around.  And He answered our prayer about it being sooner rather than later.  Wow.  To me, those are not one, not two, but three big answers to prayer.  And quick answers at that.  May not seem big to anyone else but God cares about our desires no matter what they are and if they will ultimately be for our good and His glory, He loves to bless Him children through those direct answers I think.

So why do I still hesitate to trust Him and turn to Him?  Why do I struggle to commune with Him daily the way my heart aches to?  I think I’m bad about subconsciously personifying God into being like my earthly fathers and the relationships I have with each of them that I keep God at arm’s length.  Not too close, God.  Yet He is lovingly there for me and desiring me to pursue Him moment after moment, patiently, always there.  And then I realize I’m being a spoiled brat.  I just wanted to share that snippet with you all to share and celebrate some of the answers I’ve received that I’ve neglected to use for His glory.  I’ve had a difficult time connecting to this pregnancy due to the cyst and since it did happen so quickly for us that I really believe I’ve been a bit in denial…not that I’m not over the moon and excited about it all of course, it just took me by surprise.  But I want to revel in it the way I should and proclaim His good works in us and in our family by recognizing His provisions.  A lot of times I still manage to feel guilty and that I don’t deserve God’s love and His provisions, but in Christ, I was set free and made clean and the new me CAN openly accept all that God has and wants to give me.  He wants us to delight in what He gives us.  He loves to see His children happy.

My devotion this morning speaks to this very point.  “Learn to enjoy life more.  Relax, remembering that I am God with you.  I crafted you with enormous capacity to know Me and enjoy My PResence.  When My people wear sour faces and walk through their lives with resigned rigidity, I am displeased.  When you walk through a day with childlike delight, savoring every blessing, you proclaim your trust in Me, your ever-present Shepherd.  The more you focus on My Presence with you, the more fully you can enjoy life.  Glorify Me through your pleasure in Me.  Thus you proclaim My Presence to the watching world.”

Amen, sisters…”The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Emmanuel” (which means “God with us”) Matthew 1:23

“The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full!” John 10:10

I know we are all going through different things right now and have gone through things this summer.  I certainly need prayer for a few things coming up that I will share with you later, but I would love to hear a couple of praises from everyone that we can just lift up in thanksgiving and proclaim His presence among us!  I know I have so many more praises I could share as well.  What a mighty, giving, and gentle King we have the privilege to walk in communion with each and every moment of every day.


“Let all the other names fade away
Let all the other names fade away
Until there’s only You
Let all the other names fade away
Jesus take Your place
Jesus take Your place”
-Wide as the sky, Matt Redman

I’ve been thinking a lot about Annabelle this past week for some reason. Annabelle is my daughter. You’ll think I’m crazy, but I haven’t met her yet. I haven’t birthed her yet. She is still a dream in my mind. You know that saying “you were just a twinkle in your parents’ eyes”? Well I guess she’s that twinkle right now. Which is actually pretty cool to think about once you get past the “she’s crazy” part. It’s neat to me that I’m already thinking about my daughter I hope to have someday. Obviously I don’t know if I will ever birth a baby girl, but we are in this stage right now of really enjoying Ryne being 17 months old and learning new things each day and honestly wearing out his title as my baby boy, because really, he’s becoming a big boy. Getting into everything, challenging us every day, saying new words, imitating animal sounds, and communicating with us. We’ve been thinking about getting pregnant again over the past few months and of course our “plan” was not to prevent pregnancy at any point but because I breastfed Ryne for so long (and am still going!) my body took care of preventing pregnancy for us. Which, really, I am okay with. Lots of women have back to back pregnancies and that’s okay, but for me, I am at peace with knowing biologically, my body was not ready to sustain another pregnancy and honestly, I’ve enjoyed these months with just the three of us instead of looking too far ahead into being a family of four or more.

I so often try my HARDEST to remember what it was like before Ryne came along. Just to be a family of 2 and be able to take off on a whim, keep the house clean, etc. and it is SO challenging for me to even remember what that felt like. So now, I’m feeling more at balance within myself and our home and our family and I am taking the time to enjoy it in THIS moment, rather than being discontent and wanting more right this second. I have been getting into a routine of getting the dishes done at night, laundry done each day, and generally straightening the house and tackling projects a few at a time all while still being able to enjoy Doug and Ryne. I feel like we’re kind of getting this family of three thing figured out and while I will welcome our sweet Annabelle whenever God blesses us with her, I will be content in Him and in our family.

This doesn’t mean I don’t have moments of wonder or doubts about my fertility. Sadness and frustration that for me/us it is more of a struggle to conceive and regulate my hormones and blood sugar. Secondary infertility, as I’m choosing to call it because I have the same emotions as I did the first time around, is honestly just about as challenging as the first time we experienced it. It is different, for all the reasons anyone would guess…because we were already blessed with a son, praise God! We know Doug and I CAN conceive and that my body can maintain a healthy pregnancy. But it is difficult for the same reasons the first time around because we want to give our son a sibling. We want to expand our family. Even people who know what we went through to conceive Ryne, ask us when we’re getting pregnant with the next one, or make comments that we’ll be next. I hear of other people’s pregnancy announcements for their second or third pregnancies before we’ve gotten ours. And there’s a dull ache that creeps back up. Reminding me of our struggle. And darn it. Don’t I want to punch that reminder in the face?! I will cherish this precious time with Ryne as my only son and enjoy the time Doug and I are getting to reconnect now that Ryne is a bit older. My heart aches for an easy time conceiving, but I know God has a plan and He has a sense of humor. I pray that we will conceive naturally this time around. And of course that it would be sooner rather than later. But I trust God’s plan for us. And I am so grateful for His provisions for our family thus far and I know His timing is perfect. God is working in me to teach me to know Him and to believe Him (Isaiah 43:10) in my life. He wants to show me His power and to have me trust Him fully. He is my all in all. And for now, I will “let all the other names fade away” and focus only on Him and allow Him to take His place in my life, rather than allowing infertility to creep back up, along with the names of my future children whom I haven’t met yet, Jesus is my comfort, my peace, my everything. And through Him I will be sustained in all things(Psalm 54:4).

“There were photographs I wanted to take.
Things I wanted to show you.
Sing sweet lullabies,
Wipe your teary eyes,
Who could love you like this?

People say I’m brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on.
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me,
Because He loves you like this.

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years

I will carry you,
All my life.
I will praise the One who’s chosen me to carry you.

Such a short time,
Such a long road.
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice

And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs  of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life

I will praise the One who’s chosen me to carry you”

-I Will Carry You by Selah

Sometimes it all comes rushing back to me.  Like the tide in the sea.  A friend experiences a loss and I’m reminded all too well of the hurt and pain and still, even having gone through it, that there are absolutely no words one can say to make it better.  To make the pain hurt any less.  To make the situation make any more sense.  While I now have my son after my journey I am also reminded that I get everything that comes with being a parent, and that means sometimes taking for granted the precious moments I have with him each day…I always want more of those moments but sometimes when I’m in those moments I am distracted.  But then it’s on days like today where I am reminded to my core of the loss, pain, anger, confusion, frustration, feelings of lifelessness, dread, doubt, etc of what I truly have after what I’ve been through.

Maybe with it being World Breastfeeding Week 2013 and tomorrow is the Big Latch On event that I’m participating in with my family that has shaken me a bit.  I remembered two years ago after our miscarriage hearing of the event and how I longed to participate someday but never knew if that day would come for me.  I wanted to be a mom and do mom things so badly.  I wanted to create and sustain a life that was not my own, but yet in a way entirely mine.  As I remember these feelings after our miscarriage and in our battle with infertility I am also reminded of the greatness of our God and His promises.  I am grateful for His Will because without it I would not be the wife, mom, woman, friend, sister, daughter, that I am today.  Our journey made us who we are today and it has made me a more aware parent because I had so much time before Ryne came along to really think about the decisions we had to make and the precious life we have been entrusted to care for.  And all along He is carrying us, all the days of our lives.  And I am so grateful for that and for knowing that even when we stumble, turn our backs, can’t see the way, or just simply come running to Him for Him to hold us in His arms that He is there.  Holding us in His right hand.   I am grateful for the greater story that by grace we get to be a part of every single day and knowing that every moment does amount to something.  The heartache and pain does have a purpose and even though we live in a fallen world, we are not left without a Mighty God who knows our pain and who cares deeply for us.

If you have struggled or are struggling through anything right now.  Please know that He is with us in and through the storms.  Don’t let go of the miniscule amount of hope you may have left.  He is there and He does have a story for your life that will not only be for your good but for His glory.  And when you are where I am on the other side of that particular storm, you will be able to get a glimpse at the reasoning for why you had to weather that storm and give Him praise for being there with you through it all and for all that He has blessed you with in the present.  I am so grateful beyond words to be where we are now and to be able to use my own storm to encourage others as they also go through theirs.

Romans 8:28, Colossians 1:1

Emmanuel, God is with us, El Shaddai, all sufficient… these words always come to mind in my darker times and I am then filled with the lyrics from one of Natalie Grant’s songs as follows:

“Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone And this is our hope
Our hope endures the worst of conditions
It’s more than our optimism
Let the earth quake, let the earth quake
Let the earth quake, our hope is unchanged”


This can sometimes be a difficult thing to do.  To hope.  To wonder.  To pray in the face of the unknown future.  It’s easier said than done to just live for today and not worry too much about what’s in store tomorrow.  Knowing God is there and that He is all sufficient is comforting to me in the midst of my worries. But at the same time, finding peace and trusting Him when you don’t know the answer to something or to how it’s all going to turn out in the end can be near impossible.  It is clinging to Him for just the strength for one more minute, one more hour, one more day; just a minute at a time, hour at a time, day at a time, is sometimes all the strength we can muster.  And that is all you really need.
Even though I am not struggling so much right now with trying to conceive I feel it in me already creeping back in.  I also have friends who are pregnant right now, some with their first baby, some with their second or third babies.  Some friends of mine are battling with infertility for their first, second, or third baby, others are dealing with loss of their pregnancies.  I want to be one of those women who easily conceives their second child.  To have an element of surprise.  However, I’m under no illusion that it will come easily for me.  Although, there’s that hope again that creeps in…the same hope I felt during our first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage.  The same hope I felt through each cycle and test to conceive Ryne.  The same hope I felt through my pregnancy with Ryne every step of the way.  We are resilient beings.  With a hope that truly does endure, sometimes even the most heartbreaking of situations.  It is through these seasons of endurance that our hope becomes even more precious.  More prominent too.  It becomes weighted.  It means more.  It has been tested and tried and yet still, hope prevails.
So no matter what you are facing right now and no matter how long you’ve been battling with whatever situation is getting you down, take it from a lady who has been through quite a few different battles in her day that the reward on the other end of the battle is well worth the fight.  Sometimes we don’t understand that the reward we get is the one we were fighting for until years later, but sure enough, if you cling to His Word and trust in His understanding and not the one of this world, you will be provided for.  (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Happy New Year!

I realized today when I was thinking about posting that this blog has become very much an infertility heavy blog.  And for that I don’t apologize, but what I do want to say about that is I recognize that’s what this has become, primarily an outlet for all of the emotions and ramblings I have that go on in my head regarding our battle with this disease and in our quest to become parents.  With the new year I will be doing my very first ever blog series starting tomorrow.  I am committing to posting one series-related post a week.  A series that looks at infertility throughout the Bible.  I’ve said it before but I want to stay true to my word.  This blog was created to bring honor and glory to God first and foremost and even with being infertility-heavy, I believe God is working through me in this and I should share it to bring support to not only myself and my husband, but to others who are going through this as well.  I can’t imagine going through this battle without faith.  Faith in my Lord and Savior.  Faith in His unwavering, indisputable sovereignty.  Revelation 22:13 “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.”

I refer to our infertility as a battle because that’s what I feel like it is.  Every. Day.  I had been referring to it as our “struggle” but then I realized “struggle” feels negative to me.  “Struggle” makes me imagine myself being held down and fighting to push against something.  Calling it a “battle” gives me hope.  Because in a battle, even though I don’t know the outcome, I do have hope.  And that continues to describe my ups and downs.  Somehow, somewhere in me, I still have a shred of hope.  It’s incredible really.  Even when we were miscarrying and losing our baby there was a really far away place in me screaming not to give up.  It’s a tricky thing, that hope.  It lifts you up, only to bring you down sometimes…but it still lingers.  It’s still there, like a baseline underneath the surface.  It makes no sense.  Anyway, I digress.  We are dealing with a battle and within this battle yes, at times I struggle.  Really, really struggle…but there are other days where I say yes to things I probably shouldn’t say yes to.  Things I know will probably be painful in the midst of what we’re going through.  Socializing with others who are pregnant or have kids…which face it, is my entire peer group (and I’m not saying that negatively, just stating a fact).  Opening up.  Being vulnerable.  Things that I know will make me close down later and have to deal somehow.  Things that will cause me to shut my husband out for a couple of minutes or an hour or so while I deal with things on my own.  He supports me fully.  Loves me.  Encourages me.  Points me back to the Word and God’s faithful promises.

And we sing “how awesome is the Lord Most High”.  And I cry.  And I wonder when I’ll be able to go to a church service and worship fully without crying.  I know worship isn’t all in the song but the songs to our God are a part of worship and it’s the part that is the most difficult to get through.  It’s interesting too because as I’ve told you before, the songs speak to me.  So along with the new series I’ll be walking through I’ll also be posting at least a song a week that is speaking to me and working through me.  During the songs I hear them relating to me.  And I think thoughts of how it is unfair that we don’t get what so many others have.  To go off birth control and conceive without a thought.  To not have to worry or even think about or contemplate what it might be like to have to “try”…don’t get me wrong, this month has been good.  This cycle has been decent.  Still lots of ups and downs, acne from the medication, moments of depression, and moments of fun and happiness.  It has been a relaxed cycle month by my own choosing and I am grateful for the peace to have done it this way over the holidays.  But when it’s all said and done I still don’t have my baby, it’s been over a year without conception, and friends are still posting their exciting baby news on facebook.  And yes, I’m happy for them…seriously.  Life is an incredible miracle, a gift, and a perfect blessing from God.  James 1:17 “every good and perfect gift is from our Lord above”…I only pray and pray for the health of my friends and their pregnancies and their babies…but I have to say that mostly I pray for them to realize James 1:17 and in every moment of their pregnancy, birth, and life of their child that it is a miracle.  A sheer and true miracle in every moment.  I know that one day if I get to experience all of that, I will probably take it for granted too…however I have to believe I’ll remember our battle, the days of struggle, and in the forefront of my mind I will believe and know that every second is a gift.  I pray that for my friends.  The ones who still have their sweet innocence of conception and life; and the ones who are where I am or who have been here.  I pray that I never forget, and I know I won’t…but I still pray it anyway that just like Sarah and Abraham I will trust in the Lord and be as faithful to Him as He has been and will be to me.  For some reason I’m having to learn to trust God in this way when my friends aren’t.  And that’s okay.  I’m learning how to allow it to be well with my soul, even when it feels like it is anything but well with me.  My hope for this new year is that I would continue to be faithful in my following of our Savior.  I hope that 2012 brings only the greatest glory to God through every aspect of my life this year.  Including our finances, my workplace, my private life, our home life, our marriage, our recreation, our interactions with friends and family, and yes, our battle with infertility.  I hope to be closer to knowing or understanding our outcome of this battle this time next year.  I pray for fertility.  I pray for strength.  I pray to glorify God in every way…and for me to truly focus on the Glorious One.

So this post will contain the lyrics to two songs.  One we sang in church today and one that is just being repeated in my mind today…it keeps coming to me over and over.

The first is the one we sang in church today, proclaiming the awesomeness of our Lord.  The lyrics that got to me the most were:

“Where You send us/God, we will go/You’re the answer/We want the world to know

We will trust You/When You call our name/Where You lead us/We’ll follow all the way

We will praise You together/For now and forever/How awesome is the Lord most high”

The word “follow” stuck out to me since it’s the name of my blog.  I have to remember Who I am following and Whose I am at all times.  Since I have been allowed into this battle with infertility I will go there.  I will trust Him wherever He leads us and I will praise Him in it, because it isn’t about me.  It is about Him.  The Alpha and Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.  I pray for continued peace and possibly some wisdom with what we go through, but even if I don’t get it, I will still follow Him and trust that He will be glorified.

and the entire song:

“Great are You, Lord
Mighty in strength
You are faithful
You will ever be

We will praise You
All of our days
It’s for Your glory
We offer everything

Raise your hands, all you nations
Shout to God all creation
How awesome is the Lord most high

Where You send us
God, we will go
You’re the answer
We want the world to know

We will trust You
When You call our name
Where You lead us
We’ll follow all the way

We will praise You together
For now and forever
How awesome is the Lord most high

How awesome is the Lord most high”
-Chris Tomlin “Awesome is the Lord Most High”

The next song is the one that has been coming to my mind all day.  It is a wonderful song and it is reminding me of how I long to be consumed by God.  It is such a song of strength and triumph.  We will be triumphant in Him!  And that brings me great hope.  He is my fortress, my sacred refuge, unshakable, and with Him in eternity ever will we reign!  If that isn’t powerful stuff, I don’t know what is.

“Our God is, a consuming fire,
A burning holy Flame, with glory and freedom
Our God is, the only righteous judge,
Ruling over us with kindness and wisdom

We will keep our eyes on You
We will keep our eyes on You

A mighty fortress is our God
A sacred refuge is Your Name
Your Kingdom is unshakable
With You forever we will reign

Our God is, jealous for His own
None could comprehend, His love and His mercy
Our God is exalted on His throne
High above the heavens
Forever He’s worthy…

We will keep our eyes on You
We will keep our eyes on You

We will keep our eyes on You
We will keep our eyes on You
So we can set our hearts on You
Lord we will set our hearts on You!”
Written by Nathan and Christy Nockels
© 2009 Songs / sixsteps Music (admin. by EMI CMG Publishing) (ASCAP)

Alright, it’s bed time on this first day of 2012.  Let’s see what this year brings for us.  I have hope and peace for the moment.  I pray that I could keep my eyes on Him so I can set my heart on His plan.  I pray we all can do that for the new year.  No matter if we are on a mountaintop or trudging through the valley or taking it easy on a flat plane.  That we wouldn’t grow complacent in our love for Him and our thirst for His Word.  I pray that 2012 would take me to spiritual highs that I have never experienced and that I would be close to Him, seek Him, and just be a little quieter.  That I would believe and know that He is God of it all, even the stuff I have trouble letting go of at times.  Happy new year!

I meant to write last Friday. But I did not. Friday I was flooded with lyrics, song after song that spoke to me. Does music ever speak directly to your soul, your core? It does for me, and it always has. I can literally remember being 9 years old writing song lyrics and singing them while playing in my backyard. It has been an outlet for me and an inlet. It is another one of my “therapies”. I had the inclination to do an entire blog of all the songs that are absolutely my life right now. That will not be in this post because the opportunity has passed me by for the moment and I have something else to write of, but it will be coming hopefully in the next entry or so. Be on the lookout…when I post that blog I want you to immediately go listen to the songs, read the lyrics, let them envelope you…you don’t seriously have to do that of course but that is what I do when I hear a song that gets to me. I let it envelope me, I use it to praise God, I praise God for the melody and for His message to me. He knows how to speak to me through song, that is not the only way but right now in my journey it has been the most prominent and effective on some days. Days like Friday, when I was battling the dark again. The depressive moments that come with battling infertility. The moments where you sit on the floor and watch a puddle form from your tears. You shake your head and ask why. You don’t want to be this way. But you are. At your very core, you are this way. Broken, sad, frustrated, angry, confused, still in some denial, but really you know the truth and the truth hurts you right now. So keep in mind last Friday that’s where I was. Well, heck, let’s face it, that’ where I am most of the time lately. Maybe not outwardly but somewhere in my mind, not always the forefront, but somewhere in there at all times I have these conflicting thoughts, emotions, hopes, and fears. Hopes that we will be able to conceive soon. Then I realize I only have this hope because of denial. Denial of the possible reality that we could be that couple. That amidst our friends, we could be that couple who is never blessed with children. That we will struggle for years and years and still not be fruitful in that way. That we will struggle through treatment after treatment, maybe even spending tens of thousands of dollars we don’t have to try to get pregnant again, all to no avail. These are my nightmares now, while I constantly have dreams of getting positive pregnancy tests again, only to wake up and realize it was all a stupid dream, conjured up from the hopes that are deeply seated in my subconscious. I’m not who I was. A year ago today, I started bleeding. Only for a few moments. But those were the moments that changed my life. I keep wondering if after the ENTIRE year has been complete, and by year I mean when January 21, 2012 comes and the year after our complete loss is complete, if the pain with subside. If then I will be me again. If then I won’t hurt so much, or think of it as much. But really. I know that’s a lie. I know that it will still hurt. I read recently that infertility is like a wound. And dealing with infertility on top of miscarriage I think is a very deep wound which has and will require cleaning, maintenance, refreshing of the bandages, and gentle handling before the scar can develop and even then the area will still be sensitive when it is touched. I have to remember that what I’m feeling is normal. And I have to continually give myself grace to experience this process.

And cry.

And be open.


I just had a thought, remember those introductory ice breaker games where you have to introduce yourself and use an adjective that starts with the same letter of your name to describe yourself or something about you, example, Awesome Abby, Beautiful Becky, Creative Candice, I could go on all day until I get to my stupid “V” name…there’s like 2 adjectives that start with “V”…”Voluptuous” and “Victorious”…okay so I know there are more than 2 but those are always the only 2 that I could ever think of when having to do that stupid game, especially when everyone around me has easy names and I could come up with 470 cool adjectives for them (I’m exaggerating, I’ll get to the point!). So when playing that game I had to choose, well, I’m certainly not voluptuous in any sense of the word and that word is not usually appropriate to use during this ice breaker game with a group of people you don’t know well…maybe for a braver soul, but not myself. So I was always left with “victorious”, oh! There was also vivacious…but again, I wouldn’t go that far to say I’m vivacious. So left with victorious. I would use that one, but reluctantly. (This post is going nowhere, I’m realizing this…I’m hoping it will, I think it will make sense at the end…after 900 words I’m still nowhere, sheesh if you’re still reading, you deserve an award…anyway…) I would use victorious reluctantly, I think because I was afraid. “V” adjectives are strong! My name, Valerie, means “strength,” “valor”, if you will…look, another v adjective. They are strong. If I described myself this way to this new group of people would they see me as that way? Later when I let them down will they remember the adjective I used and say, “Hey! You lied to us!” I’m saying this all half-jokingly of course, but I really was a little intimidated to have to use such a strong word to describe myself. And now, as I type the word “vulnerable”, I realize it’s my adjective. Right now. It’s something I need to be in order to be victorious. To first be vulnerable. Now vulnerable is never an adjective one would willingly choose to use when introducing themselves to the group. Vulnerability implies weakness in our society. But that is what God wants for us, right? To be vulnerable. With Him. With ourselves. With our brothers and sisters in Christ. Vulnerable. It is becoming a word that I am learning to embrace. Every day. A sweet sister of mine called me the other day to ask me to be vulnerable with her. I needed that. I KNEW I needed that but I didn’t know how to go about it. Doug and I had been planning on talking to more of our friends about it, we just hadn’t found the appropriate moment, in our eyes. Conflicting emotions all around. Craving and desiring the support, yet having the lies of the deceiver tell us it was too scary, our problems are too big for the others to understand and be supportive. The father of lies was short-selling my friends by millions of what they’re worth. And in the midst of my confusion and pain I’ve let him get away with it. But I’m working on it, I promise I am. It’s just not an easy process.

When I asked another good friend of mine why are some people’s lives and paths easier than others I was told by her, without hesitation that some people’s shoulders just aren’t broad enough to carry those burdens at the time. That they aren’t strong enough to carry what you’ve got on our load. While I don’t necessarily like this answer for the fact that it means for some reason I’ve been chosen to have to be the strong one (my whole life, not just with this current battle) but I do accept it and I do like the way she put it for me. In some ways I know she’s right. The other part of me wants to ask well why do we even have to be stronger and go through it all. I know it’s because we’re fallen and deserve only the worst part of hell for our sin. And I’m grateful we don’t get what we deserve. This side of heaven I’ll never know or understand fully why the little girl I was has had to endure all that I’ve been given in this life but I do know that God did plan for this. That I was no accident in His eyes. He knew I would go through all this. I have to continually remind myself that this is all part of a plan. It certainly isn’t my plan but it’s in the more important plan to glorify God, somehow, even when I’m sobbing on that bathroom tile floor, wondering when I’ll experience happiness or a day without sadness, rather, again. Because there are moments where it all looks pretty bleak to me. I don’t do as good a job at looking tough on the exterior anymore. It’s really weighing on me and chipping away at the walls I’ve tried to protect myself with. People are starting to notice. Maybe they have for a while now and I’m only beginning to notice them noticing. And I’m starting to care less and less that they are noticing. I guess deep down I want them to. I crave finally being able to be vulnerable. To open myself up. I’m cracking on the surface, people are starting to see through my teary eyes when I try to pretend. And that scares me. I don’t want to feel alone, yet I don’t want to share because it’s mine. Even though I don’t want it to be, it is. It’s mine to deal with. I should be able to handle it, but the truth and reality is that I can’t. I just cannot. I need help. And I’m trying to accept the fact that needing and seeking help is okay. Especially when the majority of days can sometimes be a battle just to function. When there are more moments when my eyes are filled with tears than not. When I have trouble seeing past this to enjoy other things. This isn’t the only thing I’m struggling with. That’ll come in another post. To explain the guilt, shame, frustration…I know, you can’t wait to read more about that can you? I do know, somewhere within me I know and believe that there is life and hope and better days beyond this…sometimes I just wish I knew how to get to them. As quickly as possible.

So going back to the shoulders. To the people who aren’t personally bearing my same burden at the moment. God is revealing to me that yes, it’s true that we’re on different paths, a lot of my friends have it easier at this very moment. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I know God is working on us. A LOT. But I am beginning to understand that maybe, just maybe, vulnerability is the beginning for the others to get their shoulders involved. My back is breaking under the weight, if I’m vulnerable my friends on the other path right now can come over and take a shift of my sadness. Don’t misunderstand, I don’t want them to feel sorrow or pain like I’m experiencing, but they can use their gifts to bless us. To help us. To support us. To care for us. To love us. To show us God’s love through them. And by being vulnerable now, I don’t consider it as weakness. I consider it as one of the greatest strengths. It is being open. It is opening the door to being real with one another. Even if someone else has to help you open that door. Sometimes you really are shut in that tight that before you can even begin or realize to begin sharing and being vulnerable that someone has to knock on that door and say hey, I’m standing here and I know something is wrong and I don’t care if I have to sleep on your doorstep until you open up to me, I’m here and I’m waiting with open arms and support. No, maybe I don’t have the answers or the experience with what you’re going through, but I care. Please be that person for someone you know. Please don’t let being comfortable keep you from a moment of awkwardness and uncertainty that could be just what your friend needs. God is using us. All of us. He is using this in my life maybe not just for me, but to do what I know my purpose has always been for at the core of it, to help others too. To learn how to get through life together and truly realize that we aren’t meant to do this thing alone. He is preparing us for something so much greater and as I was driving home the other day and the lyrics of “How Great is our God” played through my stereo it was reaffirmed in me what I’ve always known and believed. That someday we might be pregnant, I hope and I pray this…and I hope and I pray that it will be a wonderful and healthy pregnancy with a perfect outcome of a baby of our own we can take home. Maybe not. I realize maybe not and it isn’t something I like. But we won’t always be where we are now and someday someone might look in from the outside and think we’ve got it all. That we’ve got it so easy. But that they will see our shoulders. That they will see not only our strength but the strength of others who supported us through our struggles so that they can more fully celebrate with us at the appointed time. That they will see the strength and majesty of our great and wonderful God! Who has lifted us “out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand” Psalm 40: 2. And that it was not our own doing, but that we would point to Christ. And His body. Our friends who will be rejoicing with us, and that they would be rejoicing in the Lord’s greatness not just because of the evident blessing at hand but because they know where we’ve been. And how much God has given us. And oh how far he has brought us. 1 Chronicles 17:16. Without being vulnerable, people can’t truly know and see how glorious is our God. How amazing is His love for us! How He loves us. Oh, how He does love us. It overwhelms me.

Vulnerability. A strong word, not weak. Praise God for His faithfulness. His grace is enough for me, I’ll take it.

Let me be real for a few moments, after all that’s why I have this thing right? To bear all? To say what I need to say? To vent. To provide therapy to myself for the low, low price of some time and typing. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, well I’ve never stopped really since it happened and I’ve broken quite a few times this year…I’ll just get to the point and fill in the details as I go or later when I’m actually at my computer and not typing from my phone. Today is our holiday party at work. I woke this morning at 5am broken. I didn’t realize I would feel quite this way. This entire year has been a rough year. Changing me completely in a lot of ways. It’s been a year of misplaced hope, shattered dreams, and “what ifs”, “whys”, “should have beens”, etc. Not to discount the amazing things that have happened this year but this year has been a year of absolute survival. Living within a shell of myself, feeling more into the depths of my heart than I ever have before, which has required me to suck it up on the outside for the most part and force this body to get up out of bed everyday and put on a smile. Only one person has seen the majority of my desperation. And he hasn’t seen it all because I’ve tried to hide at times to protect him maybe, I guess that’s what I thought I was doing. Keeping him from knowing just how often my heart aches completely and sends me over the edge with tears.

Let me stop for a moment to say if you don’t understand the things I write here, if you think it’s “too much”, if you think I’m exaggerating, if you think “it isn’t a big deal, it’ll pass just keep being positive”, or anything that would diminish what I’m going through, keep your thoughts to yourself and literally praise God that you don’t have a clue. I’m not being mean, I’m being truthful. If you can’t relate, praise God, this isn’t being written for you. But there’s a whole lot of couples out there who sadly know every bit of this is real and extremely difficult to go through.

It’s the end of yet another failed medicated cycle. One that I had SUCH high hopes for. I used every method I could think of to be hopeful: prayer of course, visualization, meditation and yoga, positive affirmations, redirecting my thoughts, even a silly temporary tattoo from one of the companies I order supplies from, seriously I was THAT hopeful for this cycle; along with the practical things: 2 types of medicine along with the 4 other supplements I take, continued basal body temping, timing, diet and exercise, ultrasounds and blood work on specific cycle days. I know it seems like a LOT and it was…but I was hopeful for a happy Christmas present. I told myself all the craziness would be worth it this cycle. There was no way that this wasn’t our time.

It has now officially been a full year since we were pregnant. And we still aren’t pregnant again. And we don’t have the baby I was pregnant with last year. If you think any of the things I post are “too much” or we’re “trying too hard and need to relax”, good luck with that when you desperately want what your heart aches for. When you do everything possible to be healthy, positive, and accurate and end up with nothing. Again. When you can’t “just relax and take your mind off of it” because then it’s time for the next pill or meal or thermometer reading. When you’ve become acutely aware of the toxins in everything you’re using so you switch shampoos, soaps, moisturizers, food in hopes that something you do will be the magical thing that makes your body work properly. And your friends get pregnant without trying…again. (this does NOT mean I am unhappy, hateful, or ungrateful for them by the way, do NOT be mistaken on this one- I’ll do another whole blog on this alone.) When quite literally everyone has kids and they are moms and want to talk exclusively about their kids and “mom things” and just as they cannot relate to me, I desperately ache to relate to them but I can’t. I actually know as much, if not more than what they’re talking about because I dream about it and research all the time, but I can’t admit this because it’s too sad and sadly I wouldn’t be given the time of day about it because “I’m not really a mom so I couldn’t understand what it’s like” which just hurts too much because for all the theory I know, it’s the truth. I watch my husband with the neighborhood kids, or see our friends, dads, holding their babies and I desperately want to give that to him. And yet my body fails me month after month. I feel guilty because it is my body that isn’t working correctly despite all that we do. And my husband doesn’t blame me. He says it’s our battle. He holds me as I cry at any and all hours day or night. He leads me back to God’s faithful promises over and over again. He holds my hand. He is here for me. I couldn’t have asked God for a more amazing person to completely fill me up when I’m run dry and empty and am cracking underneath it all. I pray, I cry, I do everything I can think of to no avail. I would love to forget about it and move on to other things but that’s not going to happen…this isn’t like settling for a job that isn’t your dream job, or temporarily settling for an apartment rather than a house…it’s life and I know we are “early” in this infertility battle but I can’t imagine as the months and cycles and hopefully not years continue to pass that what I’m feeling will be anything different. At least I know and trust that God knows the desires of my heart. Even when it doesn’t make sense right now that I can’t have it.

There’s a song out right now by Josh Wilson called “Fall Apart” and it is my life right now. “I don’t know how long this will last, I’m praying for the pain to pass. But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me. My whole world is caving in but I feel you now more than I did then. How can I come to the end of my but somehow still have all I need? God I want to know you more, maybe this is how it starts. I find you when I fall apart.”. The entire song is amazing.

So can desperation be worship? Pain, struggle, doubt, and fear? Yes. I think it can be. When it sincerely reminds you of how little and insignificant you are. And how big and great and sovereign is our God. When desperation leads us not to coping methods that would leave us in a worse situation than we started in. When desperation leads us to continually look to God for His guidance and wisdom. Because this certainly doesn’t make any sense to me. Proverbs 3:5-6 says we should “trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do and He will show you which paths to take.” this means even when you’re desperate. Even when it doesn’t make any sense at all. Even when you’ve done everything “right” that you can do. I know my God is faithful and true. Even when I cannot feel it or see it through to the end. It doesn’t necessarily make the day to day of this disease and battle ANY easier, sadly. But I guess somewhere in me I believe that this isn’t it for us. Even though I stare angrily at my stomach and truly wonder if I will ever experience what it is to bring our dream to life I praise God anyway. Not as a bargaining chip, but because I have to continue to faithfully follow Him wherever He leads me. I have to learn not to compare other’s paths to my own. I’m not on a blind quest for perfection believing only then will we achieve our desires. But I know God wouldn’t take us through this for nothing. His intent is always for good, it is always perfect and faithful and true. Even when we can’t see it or feel it. Even when we drop our hands and hang our heads in defeat. Even when we are truly, completely, absolutely desperate.

I haven’t had a good day.  It’s been one of those.  It has been triple confirmed now that I have PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome.  You can google it for the specifics and details if you’d like.  I know quite a bit about it.  I also know in addition to infertility (which, by the way, is classified and recognized by the world health organization as a disease that affects approximately 1 in 8 couples), PCOS will never leave me.  It isn’t something that once I have children will go away and leave me alone.  It is one of the most common female endocrine disorders leaving me at a heightened risk for miscarriage, breast cancer, endometrial hyperplasia and cancer, insulin resistance, depression, cardiovascular disease, among others.  I’m not going to spend my time dwelling on what may come from this, but it’s a reality that I have to face.  I’ve always taken good care of myself, but that’s what makes it more frustrating.  It isn’t something of my control no matter how good I’ve treated myself or how well I can treat myself going forward.  It’s frustrating and angering when I do all that I can and my body does what it wants.  I have a lot of prayers right now, including healing, successful pregnancy, and for my faith to be continually strengthened individually and with my husband.  I want to not feel: alone, shame, sadness, anxiety, and like a failure as a woman to provide children easily and quickly like all my friends.  I will feel these things but my prayer is for peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:6-7) and hope to be lifted up on eagle’s wings (Isaiah 40:31) and to remain a noble wife to my husband throughout this trial, to maintain a worth that is of more value than rubies (Proverbs 31).  Lord, I do believe in the great plans you have for me and Doug, for the better parents you are creating of us; please help me overcome my disbelief! (Mark 9:24).

With this said, I wrote the poem below…for what it’s worth it was how I was feeling and it just started to come to me last night and after today I had to get it written down…it needs some tweaking and normally I’m not a “rhymer” poem kind of gal, but this is what came out.  To anyone reading this, thank you for your thoughts, support, and prayers.  This is an extremely difficult time…I do have good, great, and joyful days too and I’ll try to blog about some of those on here too…for now, and as always, I am continually seeking after God’s own heart in this…for if there is anything I know to be faithful and true, it is my heavenly Father’s hand at work in every second of every situation, some see him through an easier road that’s sure and true, but I know He hasn’t forgotten me, and I know I’m so undeserving.  Lord, You are glorious and divine…I could never measure up, never be worth sending your Son to die…to become sin, to bear the cross, to receive the punishment of a crown of thorns, beatings with cat ‘o nine tails, and nine inch nails through Your blameless hands and feet, a shameful and heinous death only fit for the criminals…it should be me.  Forgive me, Father for doubting You and Your plan for my life.  When I think of the death of my Savior, I’m reminded of how blessed we are, and how my trials are next to nothing.  My God is so great and His love so pure, it’s utterly overwhelming.  Thank You, Jesus, for dying for a wretched sinner, me.

Don’t you see?

When you kiss your baby to sleep tonight
give an extra kiss for me;
my baby isn’t with me now,
she’s gone to heaven, don’t you see?

When you hold your baby in your arms
hold her a little closer now for me.
Tonight my arms are empty,
for my baby’s in heaven now, you see.

When you smooth your baby’s hair
and feel the softness of his down,
I’ll never touch my baby’s hair,
I cannot help but frown.

When you hear your baby’s laughter,
take time to memorize the sound.
I’ll never hear my baby’s voice,
I miss him, all around.

When your baby’s eyes turn color,
just marvel at their beauty.
I’ll never know who my baby would favor
I only imagine his eyes would sparkle.

When you sing your baby to sleep tonight
sing only the sweetest tune,
my baby went to heaven,
she went there far too soon.

When you catch your baby’s teardrop
and brush it off his face,
my baby will be catching mine
she’s in another place.

When you smell your baby’s soft, smooth skin,
take an extra breath for me,
my baby’s gone to heaven…
without me, don’t you see?

When you kiss your baby softly tonight,
give an extra kiss for me;
I’ll be softly crying myself to sleep,
I miss my baby dearly, don’t you see?

When I wake up in the morning,
it won’t be to my baby’s cry,
it will be to the beeps on my thermometer
as I try to figure out why.

When you see your baby’s birthday coming,
as the days are quickly flying by;
All I see are cycle days and test days,
more blood work and hormones gone awry.

As you watch your baby learn and grow,
take it all in a little deeper,
enjoy the moments as they come;
I’ll still be struggling with infertility
and asking God, oh why?

I don’t know why my baby left
or why it’s so hard to try
but in the midst of all these questions
I know my God knows why.

My God knows why,
He knows it all,
even when I’m trying my hardest to make it.
In my darkest hours still I smile,
it’s all I can do to fake it.

When you kiss your baby’s head tonight
and lay him down to sleep,
remember all the things I’ve said
and know there’s still hope for me to keep.

I trust my God with His great plans,
soon parents we will be.
Our faith is being tested,
and we are surely being refined,
it’s not always easy to wait upon the Lord,
but it’s all in His sovereignty, yes, now I see.

So I’m not playing around on this one. No cute titles, no witty intro taglines. I just need to vent about this. Because I’m experiencing it and to put it nicely, it sucks. I will start off saying no, please don’t give me your advice because I’m not in a place to receive it, especially if you haven’t been through it, you can’t possibly understand or relate to what I’m going through…don’t try to work your way around this one saying you’ve struggled in another way and can imagine it very closely relates because it doesn’t. Have you ever lost a pregnancy? A child? A life that was supposed to be inside you but it isn’t now? A child who should be here in your arms today but is not because your body did something wrong or something didn’t form correctly? Have you ever had to wake up at the same time every day for over a year so you could take your temperature then log in to a charting software app to track it in hopes of making some sense of your hormone levels? Do you know what FSH, LH, progesterone, estradiol, prolactin, TSH, AMH are and how they function and how they are supposed to work together and at what times of your cycle they should be doing what? Do you know what metformin, clomid, femera, letrazole, maca root, false unicorn, evening primrose oil, vitex/chasteberry, guaifenesin, and the pit of a pineapple have to do with regulating your cycle and fertility and specifically what times you should be taking each one? Do you know the acronyms ttc, bd, dh, cd, O, opk, hpt, 2ww, af, bbt, bfn, bfp, cm, IUI, IVF, ICSI? Do you know what an SIS, HSG, SA, CD21 blood draw, CCCT, CD3 blood draw are and what they mean and when they should be done? Do you know what it’s like to be standing in a room with 12 of your closest friends and be present but feel absolutely alone? Do you know what it’s like to have a 5 year old ask if you have a kid because you’re the only one in the room who doesn’t and when you respond with “no” even he thinks it’s odd. I know all of this is probably relative. I know I’m absolutely and completely blessed beyond measure. I know that my husband is an incredible man who supports me in every way, even when I’m utterly hopeless and ridiculous, he doesn’t care and he loves me anyway. I know that there are people dealing with “real” tragedy, terminal illness, deaths of loved ones, severe financial loss…I know…I get it. From the outside I’ve got quite the pretty picture of a life…except that I still hurt. Except that I still can’t have children the magical way it seems all my friends can. Except that I’m taking medication that makes me crazy, makes me not want any sort of food or sustenance because I’m trying to train it to process foods correctly and I guess it doesn’t really want to cooperate. Except that it’s the way I feel and I cry at night going to sleep because it’s NOT the way I want to feel. And most moments I’m able to really enjoy life despite the situation I’m in but there’s something in my head that’s blocking me from feeling the sheer happiness of it all, even when I really want to. This is what I’ve been struggling with. I want to feel better. I want to really and truly enjoy not having children right now. And in a lot of ways I can absolutely see the benefits because now we can save more, we can still spend somewhat frivolously if we choose, we can enjoy just being “us” which is one of my favorite things about infertility is our “us” time to do whatever whenever…and I know I’m going on and on and you’ve probably stopped reading by now and that’s okay with me because this is for me. I know all of the “right” things to say, and the realities and in 5 minutes I’m sure I’ll be feeling just great again, maybe this is just a side effect of the meds…it’s quite possible. But for now, in this moment, this is me. In this moment where after waking up super early on a weekend when I don’t actually need to be up for a few more hours but had to wake up early to take my temperature because it “should” be a critical day in my cycle sometime soon…which it probably won’t even end up happening…I left my warm bed and my husband because my mind is reeling and I wish it wasn’t. I would love nothing more than to be snuggled up with him right now on a warm Sunday morning…but here I am, typing away because I think maybe if I get it out of my head I can sleep. maybe if I get it out of my head the dreams will stop revolving around pregnancy, friends’ and family’s pregnancies, cycle days, and I can have some peace. Anyway, it’s a kind of therapy that I need at the moment…along with some yoga I think. Thanks for listening…you may not understand and I never mean to offend anyone who might be reading who hasn’t experienced…I do appreciate support and if you’ve read this and want to be supportive, I’ll tell you the best thing you can do is just recognize what I’m going through, DON’T belittle it by saying any of the following things, and just tell me you love me and you’ll be there whenever I need it.

Things NOT to say to someone experiencing infertility and WHY:

-“Oh you’re young, you still have lots of time”…infertility does not discriminate between age, race, socioeconomic status, etc…just because I’m young and have time you think I want to spend all this time until I’m “old” waiting and wondering when it will happen for us, that that’s the way I should live out my “young” years…if I want to have multiple children I’ve got to get started sometime before “old” age sets in.

-“Just relax and it’ll happen” – DO NOT tell me to relax. First of all, I DO enjoy my life with my husband. And it isn’t always on the forefront of my mind…so I wouldn’t even say I’m wound up about it or stressed to the max about this issue…but beyond that, there is something MEDICALLY wrong here with one or both of us. Would you EVER tell someone diagnosed with cancer or a bronchial infection or whatever to “just relax and their cancer will go away or their infection would clear up”? NO!! And if you would you’re just plain strange. The fact is, infertility IS a DISEASE.just because it affects people differently and people don’t NEED children to function in life is irrelevant. The stress and gravity of an infertility diagnosis actually ranks right up there with cancer diagnoses and the likes due to it’s devastating nature of the unknown and the treatment stresses. Again, not wanting to be pitied here but it’s not something I can’t just “relax” away. I have a legitimate medical problem.

-“It’s just not God’s time right now” – So if you’re reading this then you know me and you know I am a strong believer in my faith. And I absolutely and completely trust my Lord and Savior with my life and this disease…but I DO NOT need to be told that He has a better plan for us, that maybe we aren’t meant to be parents, or any variation on that. I know what my relationship is with God and the last time I checked I don’t think He’s in the business of consulting with others on what is best for me and my husband…He has us on this journey for a reason, absolutely…and I know when you say these things you’re only trying to help, but just don’t go there please. Not unless you want to have a sincere conversation with me because otherwise you’re just diminishing what I’m going through and telling me I’m super selfish and disobedient for letting this affect me.

-“You can always adopt”, or “why don’t you adopt?” – You know what? You’re absolutely right…I could adopt. I know this. And it has been something my husband and I have discussed and considered. We would love to adopt someday, however right now that isn’t what we are dealing with. Adoption comes with a lot of other strings and it isn’t as easy as “just adopting”…and it is something that should be handled with careful consideration and planning, and not used as a strategy to take our minds off of what we are going through right now, it should not be used as a distraction. A source of hope for the future, absolutely…and it is…but why don’t you adopt? Right now, we are trying to figure out and appropriately deal with the medical issue at hand, and yes, we want our own biological children and even if we are able to achieve this, we will still probably consider adoption later in our journey, but adoption does not make the infertility go away. Infertility is more than just the desire to have children.

-“Oh my friend, so and so, did ______ and they got pregnant…or any variation of other people’s experiences…” – that’s wonderful for your friend and all, but I’m not them and I guarantee you if I did the exact same thing as your friend to the T it probably wouldn’t work and then you’d just be left scratching your head. I’m happy for your friends and family you may know who went through this and succeeded in whatever way they desired to, but this is my infertility journey and it is likely going to look a lot different from anyone else’s story you’ve heard or been witness to.

– “Make sure you raise your hips, stand on your head, do it this time or position, etc…” – OH! You’re supposed to have sex to make a baby? We didn’t know that was what we were doing wrong this whole time. (I hope you can tell that was dripping with sarcasm) We know what to do, just don’t go there…and you’d be surprised at the people who will and who have… just don’t.

-“Just do IVF or an IUI, I’ve heard you can get pregnant right away from those” – Really? You have? Do you know what either an IUI or IVF or ICSI cycle entails? Do you know how much they COST PER CYCLE? Did you dream of conceiving in a doctor’s office via a needle after having meds pumped into you on certain cycle days to boost your chances of creating really great follicles to get really great eggs? Oh, you didn’t? So what makes you think it’s “so easy” and we should “just” do that? We are aware of our options and will consider them at the appropriate time. While I may be making these treatments out to be sterile and cold…and they are…they are absolutely wonderful methods of modern science and probably getting better every day, and I know a few people who have gone this route and had great success…but please if you’ve never been through this, don’t suggest this because it just isn’t at all an ideal situation to have to face and will take lots of prayer and peace to move forward with one of these and it will be a LOT for my body to take.

So again, this has all just been on my mind. I don’t feel that I’m being selfish or rude with this post…it’s how I feel. It’s what I’m dealing with and it just is what it is. I’m the one having to have these conversations with my husband about treatment options, how my meds are making me feel on a moment’s notice, and honestly it’s the innocence of conception and pregnancy that is gone that I have to grieve now. The things Doug and I discuss I find myself shaking my head about…things that I laugh at because it seems so unreal…and we are making it through this journey one day, one moment at a time. You know I know how blessed I am and how much I believe in Romans 8:28 and that this is just a chapter in our lives and it will all work out one way or another. But right now, today, in this moment, please don’t diminish what my husband and I are facing. We’re dealing with a lot medically and grieving a lot of little losses in our lives because of this…and we do have hope, and dreams, and some excitement for what the future holds for us…but understand that there is a lot we are going through in a time of our lives where everyone else around us is pregnant, we’re the only married couple left in our expanded circle of friends who does not have children yet or who is pregnant, and while we rejoice in the Lord for our friends (and I’m not just saying that, we really do!), we struggle with what we are dealing with but we know that God is strengthening our marriage, our future parenting, and us each individually through this process. Thank you for supporting us and giving us the due time and emotional allowance we need to experience this for what it is and by not diminishing our feelings.